April 28th, 2005, 22:29
ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM - FAULT - ACTION
Feet cold and wet. - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. - Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Drink unusually pale and tasteless. - Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another drink.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. - You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts. - You have fallen forward. See above.
Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred. - You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another drink.
Floor moving. - You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark. - Bar has closed.. Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. - Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles. - You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Drink is crystal-clear. - It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. - You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. - You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free alcohol.
Your singing sounds distorted. - The drink is too weak. Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song. - Drink is just right. Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM - FAULT - ACTION
Feet cold and wet. - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. - Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Drink unusually pale and tasteless. - Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another drink.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. - You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts. - You have fallen forward. See above.
Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred. - You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another drink.
Floor moving. - You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark. - Bar has closed.. Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. - Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles. - You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Drink is crystal-clear. - It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. - You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. - You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free alcohol.
Your singing sounds distorted. - The drink is too weak. Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song. - Drink is just right. Play air guitar.